Relationships are so hard, honestly. Even a relationship with someone who is perfect in every single way is hard (aka God), in fact, the relationship with Him is probably the hardest. I have really been seeing Satan trying to plant his big hooks in my life lately. Even though I do my devotional every day, go to Bible study and CRU, it's still so easy for Satan to sneak his way into my life. I wish it wasn't so easy for him. I know that God will always catch me when I fall though, which is what makes the relationship with Him something that words can't describe. His grace is so unbelievable... I wish I knew how to extend that kind of grace. I'm selfish, jealous, angry, boastful, rude and so much more than that where I fall SO short of the glory of God, but as I said before, when I fall, God is there to catch me. I don't know what I would do if He wasn't.
I hate conflict... especially when I hurt people. It sucks that it happens, and as much as I try to avoid it, I let Satan influence my thoughts and actions and I cause destruction in my own life and in others. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the time I let God work His miracles in my life and influence everything I do, it's just that it's so easy to forget to continuously stay in communication with Him, and as soon as I lose that communication is when Satan knows he can pry into my life... and I let him. But God's grace catches me and somehow everything works out.
I've hurt so many people in my life... that truly makes my heart hurt. I've been cruel and jealous and dishonest and selfish and just mean to people, and I hate it. I know that "we all do it sometimes," but that doesn't make me hate it any less. And what really hurts is that when people have hurt me I've held grudges or been slow to forgive... but God is so opposite, as soon as I ask for forgiveness He immediately forgives and forgets. I wish I had that kind of grace.
I strive to live a life like Jesus, but man, He is one heck of a guy :) If I can even live 1/4 as great as He did, I would die a happy woman. The truth is, I'm a sinner. We all are. We are dirty, rotten, and just flat-out disgusting... but God cleans us... He cleans us pure and bright and new. He makes us brand new every time we ask Him to. It's that easy. It's incredible. God blows me away, truthfully.
He has blessed me with so many wonderful things and people in my life, and it hurts me so much to know that I often take these gifts for granted. I should be constantly thanking God for the gifts He has blessed me with, honestly.
I guess I can kind of, in a way, sort of understand how God feels when I sin. It's like when someone that I love beyond compare to any material thing in this world does something that hurts me so much that I cry and am upset and hurt and disappointed... thats like 3% of how God feels when I sin.
Parents always blame themselves when their children do something wrong. But God doesn't blame Himself when we do something wrong, so neither should parents (at least in most cases). We learn and grow and no matter how many times our parents tell us "don't do this," we will most likely still do it anyway. We learn from our mistakes just as our parents did and we grow from them just as our parents did. As far as I can tell, in the mistakes I've made in my life, I have become much closer to God every time. I truly wish I didn't make mistakes. I want to be perfect like Jesus... but I can't be until I go to Heaven. And that's okay. I will learn from my mistakes, I will grow from my mistakes, and I will become closer with God every single moment.
I am so blessed. I have an amazing family, the most wonderful boyfriend I could EVER ask for, great friends that I care so much for, a school that provides me with everything I could ever want and need, and so so so much more.
I want to tell my parents and godparents that I love you so much. You've truly made my life something incredible and I don't know what I would do without you. You were always there for me (and still are) and you've provided everything for me. I am so lucky to have you guys. It's been really hard to be away from you, and I can't wait to come home and be with you this week. I really really love you. And to Chris, Alex and Brittanie I love you guys too, and I'm so lucky to have you as my siblings. You've all been so supportive and caring and I don't know what I'd do without you.
To Jordan, I am so sorry. I've hurt you and put you through things that you didn't deserve. I love you more than I can put into words. You are my best friend and I genuinely believe that God sent you to me when I had grown out of the "parent-child" phase in my life into the "peers" phase of my life (in the aspects of influence) to help me get un-lost. You are the greatest boyfriend any girl could ever dream of, and I am so in love with you. I really miss you and I can't wait to see you!
To Allie Dean... I LOVE YOU. You have been by my side for years and I am so thankful for that. You've been a great friend to me when I've, at times, been an awful one to you. You and I are like friend soul-mates and I know that nothing will ever separate us. I hope that I can be half as good of a friend as you've been to me. Thank you for being my best friend.
To Kramer, you have been there for me when my parents, Jordan, and Allie can't be (physically anyway). You've tucked me in at night :), you've wiped away my tears, you've hugged me when I'm hurting... you are such a blessing to me and I love you.
To all of my other incredible friends! You guys rock. I feel blessed to be surrounded by you guys in my life. I couldn't ask for better friends and I know that these friendships will last a lifetime, and that makes me so happy. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.
To everyone that loves me... I LOVE YOU TOO. God sent some truly wonderful people to be in my life, and I couldn't be more thankful. It's a true honor to be loved by people like you. I just can't even imagine what my life would be like if I didn't have all of you in my life, and I don't even want to imagine it because I am too happy with how things are to even dread on that. God is so good to me, even when I don't deserve it, and I'm so grateful.
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self Control... these are the things I strive to live by (the fruit of the Spirit). I want to be a person that displays all of these characteristics to everyone around me every day. May the Lord guide me in everything in my life and may I follow Him as His child and love Him with all of my heart. AMEN.
LJ
P.S. Sorry this is so all-over and random and just full of tons of thoughts.
It is what Thanksgiving is all about and the pilgrims that had the very first Thanksgiving were thanking God for their abundance of food, there family for their love and protection, friends (the Indians)for helping them through difficult times. I actually thought this was very poignant and focused on what we all should reflect on this time of year. Very nice!
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